Urgent Memo to LinkedIn CEO Re: User Soul Deflation Super Bowl® Spot
Check out these three GENIUS creative briefs from our crackerjack Madison Avenue branding agency!
MEMORANDUM
(FOR LINKEDIN CORPORATE EYES ONLY!!!)
To: Ryan Roslansky – CEO, LinkedIn
From: John Allen Wooden – EVP, User Soul Deflation & Performative Workaholism
CC: Satya Nadella – CEO, Microsoft
Priority: Gratuitously URGENT!
Dear Boss - In my thrilling new role here at LinkedIn, I frantically scour the Net 24/7 for sycophantic opportunities to impress you and stave off my totally inevitable, completely justified, AI-driven “rightsizing” into the poorhouse. Last weekend, I was treated to a 3am news alert about your latest interview, which I tore through faster than a LinkedIn recruiter blithely filters thousands of painstakingly optimized resumes into the digital crapper.
Of course, every word you uttered was sheer poetry, but please know that I absolutely squealed in rapture over the super-profound parts where you said we need to “keep LinkedIn as LinkedIn” and “it’s really important for us to stay who we are” and “we’re not going to win by being someone else.” If tautology was a religion, you’d be L. Ron Hubbard, Boss!
Anyhoo, you got me thinking how—just out of an abundance of caution—we oughtta remind people exactly who (and what!) we are. So I went ahead and put a crackerjack Madison Avenue branding agency on a seven-figure monthly retainer to whip up three GENIUS creative briefs for our first-ever Super Bowl® spot. Take a look-see, Mr. Roslansky! (Or can I call you “RyRo”?)
OPTION 1: “Move Fast & Break Things Souls"
Who: LinkedIn
Brand Statement: You are your job—and nothing else!
Target: Women & Men 18-55 who adore anonymous 360 reviews, off-site trust falls and on-call Federal holidays.
Messaging Objective: Empowering the little voice in your head that’s perpetually hissing, “Get back to work, slacker!” Because even during life’s unbearable moments of would-be leisure, LinkedIn keeps your brain submerged in a virtual slurry of office humblebragging and break room Keurig mud—bolstering your all-consuming identity as a sweaty l’il sausage extruded from the glorious meat-grinder of capitalism.
Tone: Aspirational, Compliant
Competition: The chattering reanimated head of Dale Carnegie surgically grafted to your shoulder.
OPTION #2: “Abattoir of Individuality”
Who: LinkedIn
Brand Statement: Basically… Facebook In Scratchy Wool Pleated Dress Pants
Target: Male & Female 21-65, who selfishly expect food, shelter, clothing, and PPO healthcare plans.
Messaging Objective: As society awakens to the reality that social media is a Stage 4 malignant cancer on the soul of humanity, position LinkedIn as not a rapacious, data-harvesting monster that reduces human beings to disposable virtual chattel, but as a compulsory theatrical facet of modern professionalism, rejection of which poses a horrifying existential threat to the lowly worker bee AND his/her loved ones.
Tone: Officious, Anxiety-Triggering
Competition: Human Interaction
OPTION #3: "Pro Tip Purgatory”
Who: LinkedIn
Brand Statement: Savor Your Stockholm Syndrome!
Target: Laid-off corporate drones clinging to relevance like Jack & Rose on a mahogany conference table bobbing in the North Atlantic
Messaging Objective: Position LinkedIn as a latter day Cathedral of Capitalism, whose congregation of blathering narcissistic poseurs are in fact quasi-divine “thought leaders,” capable of miraculously transforming ultra-banal anecdotes (e.g., “I deigned to converse with a common cabbie on my way to TEDx—and emerged with Heartwarming Platitude Y!”) into mythic pontificating parables of conspicuous competence and faux empathy.
Tone: Forbes meets Chicken Soup for the Cringe
Competition: Wall Street Journal Podcasts Consumed @ 3x Speed, Actual Productivity & Ability
Thanks for reading, Boss. I’ll ping you for notes while we’re manspreading in the corporate sauna. (I’m the one with our logo freshly tatted on my junk!)
Yours in Gushing Obsequiousness,
#LinkedIn #socialmedia #branding #thoughtfluencing #performativeworkaholism #existentialdread #douchery #hashtagsFTW #EPOSTASY