Cancel the Cleavers: Reckless "Free-Range" Propaganda Endangers Kids!
Demand Amazon Prime Drop "Leave it to Beaver" — Before It's Too Late
To: Jeff Bezos, Exec. Chairman, Amazon
Andy Jassy, President & CEO, Amazon
Mike Hopkins, Head of Prime Video & Amazon MGM Studios
From: John Allen Wooden, Exec. Director, F.E.A.R.
Dear Messrs. Bezos, Jassy, and Hopkins,
On behalf of Families Eliminating Adventurous Recreation (F.E.A.R.), and in solidarity with our comrades at Parents Against Non-Indoor Childhood (P.A.N.I.C.), I write to you today to demand the immediate removal of high-risk TV sitcom Leave it to Beaver from Amazon Prime.
It has come to our attention that Leave it to Beaver, which purports to showcase a safe and idyllic American family, instead routinely depicts children engaged in egregiously reckless acts of autonomy. Indeed, the “free-range” antics of seven-year-old Beaver and his tween brother Wally occur with zero supervision by their criminally neglectful parents, Ward and June Cleaver — who eschew all common-sense child surveillance must-haves including body cams, smartwatch biometric monitoring, and even basic GPS tracking suppositories!
This, of course, represents a twisted repudiation of the eternal psychic umbilical cord that defines proper parenting. Worse for Amazon, Leave it to Beaver actively glorifies behavior that can and will lead directly to the untimely demise of millions of young Prime Video subscribers. According to a recent F.E.A.R. white paper, 93% of independent childhood activity ends in kidnapping, cannibalistic vivisection, and/or premature youth confidence — all equally unacceptable outcomes.
To illustrate the severity of this televisual crisis, we direct your attention to eight all-too-typical Leave it to Beaver episodes:
“Perfume Salesman” (Season 1, Episode 12) — 2nd-grader Beaver and 8th-grader Wally peddle a fetid mail-order fragrance called “Flower of the Orient” door-to-door. Crossing streets and wandering neighborhoods unsupervised, they approach random homes and solicit money from total strangers — including a hulking, half-naked pervert wearing no wedding ring!
“The Paper Route” (Season 1, Episode 17) — Desperate for income to buy a death-on-wheels anachronism called a “bicycle,” the unattended Cleaver boys beg for jobs delivering newspapers from a deranged man who brazenly threatens to skin them alive. Ward and June not only sanction the child labor, but even permit it outdoors, in the rain, and after dark — all but guaranteeing their sons a double-date slumber party with John Wayne Gacy!
“The State vs. Beaver” (Season 1, Episode 24) — Ward builds the boys a gasoline-powered go-cart, in which a joyriding Beaver promptly gets collared and ticketed by a biker cop clad head-to-toe in black leather. The boys appear in traffic court without their parents’ knowledge, where a suspiciously lenient judge wipes Beaver’s record clean, chats up the virginal youngsters in private, and suggests they might keep the courthouse rendez-vous a secret — no doubt for his own lascivious benefit!
“The Boat Builders” (Season 2, Episode 16) — Wally and two other free-range tween hooligans commandeer Ward’s razor-sharp tools to hack together a ramshackle kayak from old barrel boards. When they force Beaver to pilot the doomed contraption’s launch, he promptly capsizes and is nearly drowned in a scuzzy, leech-infested pond. Later, Wally’s attempt to dry his brother’s ruined boots atop the family furnace nearly burns down the house.
“Beaver Plays Hookey” (Season 2, Episode 17) — Beaver and his equally neglected classmate Larry, who walk to school together parentless every day, blithely venture into an active construction site, where they frolic amongst gruff, muscular laborers and heavy earth-moving equipment belching toxic diesel fumes. When a speeding dump truck crushes their schoolbooks and lunchboxes, the boys ditch school altogether and wander the town all day, foraging for food scraps like deviant street urchins.
“The Bus Ride” (Season 2, Episode 24) — Ward and June compel still-pubescent Wally to escort second grader Beaver on a commercial bus trip — 90 miles each way. During a rest area stop, Beaver uses a public bathroom unchaperoned, flanked by dozens of grown men openly handling their floppy genitals. He then boards the wrong bus, leaving both boys speeding in opposite directions surrounded by random adults who haven’t even passed background checks!
“Beaver Takes a Bath” (Season 3, Episode 2) — Ward and June leave the boys alone overnight while they attend an out-of-town social event. Drawing his own scalding-hot bath, Beaver leans precariously over a deep tub with no safety drain, but is summoned away by Wally to eat undercooked meat he’d dropped on the floor — doubtless giving both boys pinworms. Beaver leaves the water running and floods the house, causing the kitchen’s heavy plaster ceiling to collapse!
“Beaver & Andy” (Season 3, Episode 20) — Playing outdoors unsupervised, Beaver is approached by a filthy vagrant named Andy. Despite knowing him to be a fall-down drunk, Ward hires Andy to paint the Cleavers’ house. Soon enough, the lush recruits Beaver to steal brandy from Ward’s unlocked liquor cabinet — falling off the wagon (and a high ladder). The finale finds the alcoholic bum reaffirming his “friendship” with Beaver, who plays in the gutter like a pig rutting in mud.
And that’s only 3% of Leave it to Beaver’s 234 episodes, whose treacly “gee-whiz” dialogue and corny laugh track can’t hide the abject horror of the Cleaver boys’ “free-range” reality: they are but glorified Perdue roaster chickens, strutting around sans leg bands and stalked by drooling man-foxes licking their hairy chops.
Indeed, the “it” in “Leave it to Beaver” must mean “Leave Not Getting Gruesomely Murdered to Beaver” — as not once do his malignant narcissistic parents Ward and June ever lift a finger to protect their boys’ lives. Because if they had, Beaver and Wally would be humanely crated indoors with YouTube-enabled tablets and an appropriately paralyzing fear of carcinogenic sunshine!
Frankly, we at F.E.A.R. and P.A.N.I.C. aren’t surprised that any show whose titular protagonist’s name is crude slang for a vulva should be so morally bankrupt. Nevertheless, we must insist once again that you promptly cancel Leave it to Beaver — before another impressionable child falls victim to its deranged siren song of umbilical-free outdoor locomotion.
Yours in Frothing Safetyist Outrage,
John Allen Wooden
Executive Director, F.E.A.R.
About John Allen Wooden:
Howdy. I’m a writer, satirist, creative director, and dad based in Los Angeles. Having done hard time in big online media, ad agencies, late night TV, politics, and parenting, I created Epostasy as my little lab for gleefully dismembering all those self-important things. Check out my tech-skeptical kids book series, Screen Time Tales, along with other projects at johnallenwooden.com
I'm laughing so hard at this right now. I always suspected LITB was on some subversive sh$t and this proves it. The Beav, indeed!
Thanks, John! I needed a laugh today!!